‘Askers’ vs ‘Guessers’

I heard about this on a podcast and have found it really helpful in understanding myself and reflecting on my historical actions and reactions to similar situations!

Broad Strokes:

ASKERS will make a request of someone in order to determine their next course of action. Thought (cognitive effort) is focussed on the response to the query, as the query is about gathering information to inform action.

GUESSERS will use their “knowledge” (assumptions) about someone and the context around their relationship and the request to inform their decision on whether or not to make a request. Thought (cognitive effort) is focussed on whether or not to make the query, and consequently they are unlikely to make to a request unless they “know” what the response will be.

The potential for miscommunication and disharmony here is pretty clear.

To askers, guessers may come across as secretive and scheming: rather than clearly communicating their needs, they are quietly reviewing past interactions (back to the rolodex!) in order make assumptions about the future actions of others.

Through the lens of an asker, guessers are being autocratic (i.e. they are removing the agency of others to be part of the process) because an asker wouldn’t make a decision without knowing the outcome of a request.

To guessers, askers may come across as rude and overbearing: rather than consider the impact that their request will have on others, they have the gall to simply ask (and, we assume, to expect compliance).

Through the lens of a guesser, askers are being demanding (i.e. they are forcing their needs on others under the assumption that they will be met, without considering what this will mean for others) because a guesser would not make a request if they didn’t already expect a favourable outcome.

What This Means For Me

I am undoubtedly a guesser: it once took me 6 months to ask Jay a question because I was calculating, recalculating, appraising, testing, reviewing, analysing… and then it took us 10 minutes to discuss it and reach a conclusion! As such, I can’t really speak to the “asker” side of things (though I’d love to hear your thoughts!), but there’s a few things that this has prompted me to consider.

Consider Biases & Ask More

My process of consideration is going to be coloured by my own biases: I have a negative self-image, I assume the needs of others are more important than my own, my perfectionism leads me to have very narrowly defined concepts of “success” (i.e. what constitutes a favourable outcome)… all of this is going to skew me away from asking, as it will make me more likely to determine that I won’t get a favourable outcome. 

Asking others is the perfect opportunity for me to “fact check” my internal story against others, particularly those I love and trust; not only am I allowing them agency (the right to say yes or no, or negotiate, on their own terms), as an added bonus I am allowing myself to gently realign my (somewhat twisted) worldview to a more balanced, shared reality.

Assume Less & Check-In With Myself

I tend to think that other people think in a similar way to me: as such, I assume everyone else is a guesser… which means I assume that they will only be asking me if they think that I will comply with their request. This is my people-pleasing kryptonite! The assertive part of me rankles with rage at being forced into compliance, and my resentment engine fires up... fine, I’ll do it, but I’m going to fucking hate it, and probably not be very pleasant in the process.

Also, at no point in this am I checking in with myself and what I actually want to to do: in my mind, the decision has already been made, and I’m angry about it without ever checking if maybe it’s something I actually… do want to do!

I need to take requests on their own terms, and not make assumptions about the thought that has gone into making the request, or the outcome that the other person has assumed (or whether they have assumed one at all!).

In Conclusion

If you’ve made it this far, congratulations, you win a personalised spotify playlist!

As with any way of classifying ourselves and our behaviours, I don’t think these are camps that everyone easily fits into (we’re much too messy for that and, like many things, this is probably more of a spectrum, with our position mediated by context (interlocutor/s, mood, etc)), but I have found is a really useful measure by which I can better understand the mechanics of these interactions, and hopefully continue to work at addressing areas in which I engage in patterns of behaviour that do not serve me, or those around me.

I’d be really interested to hear others’ thoughts on this: do you feel like you fall into one camp or the other?

If you’re an asker, can you think of ways in which you have been perplexed by guessers?

If you’re guesser, does your experience align with mine, or do you have a different experience/interpretation?